IMAGINE A PAINTING
- eht943
- Jul 1, 2021
- 3 min read
Imagine a painting, a beautiful landscape full of vibrant soothing colours. Just looking at it gives you a sense of peace and comfort. You stand in silence absorbing the scene in front of you when suddenly your eye is drawn to cracks in the paint, the closer you look, the darker colours you didn’t notice at first, start to dominate the once serene painting. Then you see the chips in the paint and realise that this tranquil scene covers the dark oppressive picture the lies beneath. This painting is me, a reflection of my everyday life. The me that exists outside myself and the me that hides within.
Mine is a life lived in dread, fear of anything and everything. A life lived on the outside never truly in the moment always looking, watching and waiting for the next wave to hit, to hold me under the violent crashing waves struggling to catch a breath. Just as I manage to surface and gasp for air, another crashes on top and once again I am fighting for breath.
It’s a life lived in quicksand, counting the hours from waking till I can lose myself in sleep once again.
I survive within my routine. The bigger the change the louder the chaos with in me.
I am constantly pushing, dragging the weights that yearn to keep me still.
I live behind a wall of glass, never really within your world. I can’t step outside as constant loud noise and the crushing tension is just too much to bare. To touch me is to burn my skin, to hug me is to trap me. I am constantly running from dangers I do not know, yet I can feel them closing in.
Life is a constant weight that I carry but there are days the weight is not as heavy. I do have moments of joy in my life. It might be a moment I catch of my child discovering something new in the word. Of them dancing without a care in the world or watching my beautiful puppy sleep blissfully with her tongue hanging out. I know I have had good days but they are hard to see in the fog of the rest.
If I look back at my childhood, whilst it certainly had its challenges, I was in a safe home where I felt love. I can’t remember a time that I felt free or excitement about the life that waited ahead of me.
I have always said that my life has been lived in hindsight. What I mean by this is I can look back and appreciate the experiences that I have had. Whilst at the time I may have been consumed with anxiety and doubt, I can now see the opportunities I have had, and the amazing diverse life I have lived. I have also been so many versions of myself that I am yet to know which one is the real me. Maybe they all are, then again maybe none.
You would not know me, and I don’t know that anybody ever will. Who I am on the inside is hidden by the shell on the outside.
This is the glass wall I hide behind.
No.113 “This is one of my favourites.”
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